Little by little, I’m finding myself back. And so should you.
I adore jewelry – not the expensive kind because I’m always worried I’ll lose them – but those little baubles you can wear everywhere. Shiny, colorful, and sparkly which can fit any outfit. I especially love necklaces. When we moved to Australia, I carefully planned the stuff I can bring on the 30 kilo allowance I had and roughly 25% of the total weight were allocated to my handmade necklaces and some jewelries given to me by my mom, sister and Daddy Cheesenose. But since we moved here months ago, I’ve worn them maybe… 3 times? And thinking about it, I’ve been wearing them lesser and lesser than before Princess Cheesenose was born.
You know the drill, ladies: have a baby and let yourself go. For some of us, that’s the truth. Baby needs you, you can take a bath later. Baby needs you, you can eat your cold lunch later. Baby is asleep, your partner needs you. Baby and partner are asleep, your job needs you. Done with the other job? Now get to cleaning. We happily do these things for others because they are important. But when are you going to realize that YOU need you, that YOU are important too? Some mommas realize this earlier than others, while some hasn’t or refused to acknowledge it at all.
The “Mom-Me” Identity
But why are you going to put yourself first? You are responsible for your home yet you will recklessly abandon it for some time to do what exactly – have your nails done? Isn’t that selfish? You are a mother for crying out loud, act like one!
It’s not easy reconciling the person you were before, the person you are now, the person you want to become, and the person you could be.
I just want to have a little bit of a girly fun like I used to have but what if they wouldn’t know how to help him sleep, what if he just cries all the time?
I really need to finish this presentation before I head home. This could be my ticket in getting the promotion I’ve always wanted. But what if the baby needs me now?
My precious makeup kit is moldy now, should I get a new one? But I don’t even know when I am going to use it anyway.
These online courses, blogs and community are useless. Why do I even try to learn something new when I won’t have time to apply it?
I don’t want to go to the doctor, what if he tells me I need to stay at the hospital? Who’s going to take care of the baby? I’ll just take some pain reliever again.
Before you became a mother, you were your own self – a woman, who has developed her own habits and needs to get through life. You’re a chef, a teacher, a dancer, a professional, a painter, an adventure seeker, an excellent makeup artist… you don’t stop being you just because you’ve had another human being come out of you or in to your life. Being a mother has been added to your outstanding resume and nothing or nobody should take away something that is a part of who you are; not even that adorable little monkey hugging your leg right now. You can’t forget who you are because one day, your child will be inspired with all of your awesomeness.
It’s not that you want to go back, you just have to take something along the road to remind you of you. Put up a photo of you pre-motherhood. Listen to your favorite childhood song. Chat with your friends about something you did when you were all in primary school. Talk to your partner about your first date.
Grab that oxygen mask and breathe
Have you ever heard the aircraft crew tell the passengers that in the event of an emergency, put the oxygen mask on yourself first before anybody else? That way, you can help others better rather than you gasping for air while you fumble putting it on them first and you all might just end up suffering more. So, grab that mask for yourself and breathe in some air for once. If anything, try to see yourself as another person in your home. Why do you take care of your family? Why do you keep them safe, do what you think is best for them, and cater to them to the best of your abilities? It’s because it’s your responsibility to nurture them; it is because you love them. So why would it be different for yourself?
One thing you should consider is that if your baby can understand you now and what you’re going through, I’d bet if he thinks it will help you, he would want you to take a little nap, watch that movie you’ve wanted to see since last year, or take a nice long bubble bath (preferably with wine on your hand). I know I would like my mom to be happy, and if there’s any thing within my power that I can do to make it happen, I will gladly do it. Don’t you think your little one would do the same? Even if he’s still small and crying all most of the time, with his developing mind and big, stunning heart, he loves you and would want you to wear that favorite necklace of yours you’ve been dying to wear again – even if you’re just staying inside the house – because he can see you smile when you wear it (and partly because he wants to bite it, too).
One small thing
Little things, that’s the key. Do something for yourself. Start small, eyeing for something grand right away will take more planning thus will less likely to become a reality. Spend an extra minute in the bathroom not because you have to clean it, but because you just want to. Read a chapter from the book you like so much. Listen to music that doesn’t say anything about stars, sheep or baby sharks. Trying to get her to sleep? Sing your favorite song, not just any lullaby or nursery rhyme; if you have some dance moves with it, that’s better! Rocking the baby to sleep while you are rocking to the beat, nice image, yes?
Resentment is a cruel, cruel thing
As smoking is to the lungs, so is resentment to the soul; even one puff is bad for you. – Elizabeth Gilbert
It’s one thing to feel resentment to other people, it’s another to be at the receiving end of it. It’s all good and inspiring that you’re giving everything to your children. We are mothers, we give our heart and soul; just remember to take back some of it for yourself. When you lose yourself in your kids, you may end up narrating every single thing you did for them once they start to separate themselves from you. It’s a kind of guilt that your children might not be able to shake, because whatever they try to do now, it will never be enough compared to what you did for them. Hanging that over their faces would not do anyone any good. Personally, this is one of my greatest fears and motivation to keep myself in check while taking care of my family. I don’t want these 4 years and counting of good childhood memories to be tainted by guilt once Princess Cheesenose grows up. Remind yourself to take better care of yourself now so you won’t force anyone else to do that for you later on.
Allow yourself to feel
If you put all your emotions in a jar, close the lid, and open it ever so cautiously just to add to it over time, guess what – eventually, it will explode. Not in a pop! kind of way but more like a KABOOM!POW!SHAZAM! kind of spectacle. With bits of glass everywhere, some getting to the people at the house (heavens forbid, at your baby). And even if you try to clean the mess up, from time to time, you’ll stumble on those little specs of glass that you missed on the day you try to clean it all up. And it still hurts like sh*t. Sure, you can try to put the glass back together, but you will always wonder if or when it will explode again. That’s nervous breakdown right there, dear beautiful and strong mommas. It’s ugly, messy, debilitating, and you couldn’t anticipate it happening, it just does. When you feel lost, allow your feelings to guide you through where you can find yourself again. Acknowledge what you’re feeling, own it, harness it, and transform that darkness inside of you into something bright and good, and you might just come out of it stronger.
Help is around the corner
You can do everything. You are strong, you are brave, you are a mountain. But maybe you don’t have to be one all the time.
Involve your family. Ask help from your partner to do the dishes because you feel sleepy. Get your kid to sort out the beads and put them in the chains so you could make a necklace together. Chores for toddlers like packing away the toys are a good start. Once she gets older, show her how the washing machine works and how you sort the clothes so eventually she can help you out. Amaze her with how much bubble is coming out from the sponge and sliding onto the plates and making them so clean that she would beg you to wash the dishes one day (this just happened to me today, by the way). It may not be perfect and you can’t expect her to do it all the time, but it’s something you all benefit from.
Involve your friends. You’d be surprised how many people, including those who are not mothers, are experiencing something similar to what you’re going through. Talk it out. Create chat groups so you can keep in touch.
Involve your community. Reach out to one another. Find good, like-minded people who will help you. Share and get tips on how to revive or maintain that passion for something outside motherhood.
I hope, if you haven’t done so before this post, that you realize you are worth investing time for. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ll go ahead and put that colorful bling on my neck and start cooking.
Cheesenose Adventures 